Phil Mickelson Was Soooo Lucky

That shouldn’t count as a win for Phil Mickelson.  Or was it Watney who won?  I don’t know, I stopped watching once Tiger finished up.  Yeah, THE MAN was in the field, but it was his first stroke play event since coming back from his layoff, and he also had the worst luck out of anyone in the field.  He said that he counted 19 lipped out putts in the first three rounds.  19!  If he didn’t have such bad luck, that bum Phil Mickelson would have had to play with Tiger on Sunday, and Tiger would have been at -26.  It would have been great to watch him get to -30 and win by 11 in his first tournament back, but he just got screwed over by those lip outs.  Tiger would never exaggerate anything like that either, so I think it was probably more like 25 or 30 lip outs.  That’s how amazing he is!  He can come out and shoot -41 (after fixing his score to make up for the bad luck) in his first full event!  And did you see the way he threw his putter down on a green after another unlucky putt?  That’s bad news for everyone else – his competitive fire is stronger than ever!

Sorry Phil (or whoever that other guy was), but in my book you didn’t deserve to win; you just got really lucky.  In fact, the only time anyone deserves a win is if they play with Tiger in the last group in the final round, and Tiger shoots 59, and they still beat him.  Anything else means Tiger either wasn’t on his game, or had bad luck, and therefore doesn’t count.  So I’m taking your fake win away and giving it to THE MAN since he deserves it.  That puts Tiger in the lead for most wins (WHERE HE BELONGS).  Here are the REAL standings for victories this year:

1. TIGER WOODS        1
2. Everybody else         0

Whoever won that goofy match play tournament doesn’t get credited with a win since a) he didn’t play against Tiger, and b) it’s not a real tournament format and therefore doesn’t count anyway.

Wow, I feel better now.  I was so sad yesterday that Tiger didn’t finish on top of the leaderboard that I had to take today off from work.  Next time that happens (please please please never again…), I’ll know it was just bad luck, and that it’ll still count as a REAL win for Tiger!

“Expert” Picks

Every week, the experts at PGATOUR.com make their picks for the tournament that week.  All ten take turns picking, with picked players taken off the board.  Then they make sleeper picks – anyone not in the top 20 of the Official World Golf Rankings, not in the top 30 in FedEx Cup points, and anyone without a win this year – in the same way.  Each expert also puts their reasons for their pick.  These are all experts, so you’d expect some solid analysis, right?  Let’s see:

1.  Lauren Deason: Tiger Woods.  I doubt anyone else has ever agonized over picking Tiger, but I debated for hours between Doral dominator Tiger and a red-hot Geoff Ogilvy. Then I shared my dilemma with a friend, who put it best: Never bet against Tiger.

There’s nothing wrong with this pick, really.  But the reasoning is “Never bet against Tiger.”  It’s unclear who Deason would be betting on against Tiger.  The Field?  The current score: The Field 172, Tiger 65.  I would say taking the field against Tiger is a very good bet.  I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt since they’re picking individuals, although she could have mentioned that Tiger has won three times at Doral and looked pretty good in the Match Play Championships.  That’s better justification than, “Well my friend said I should pick Tiger.”

2.  Mike McAllister: Geoff Ogilvy.  In the first 10 years of the World Golf Championships, only Tiger has won the first two events in a single year.

Another good pick, but McAllister is obviously sad he couldn’t pick Tiger, so he had to say something about Tiger anyway. 

If Ogilvy successfully defends his title this week, he’ll go into Firestone seeking the first WGC Slam.

Huh.  Nothing about Ogilvy’s two impressive wins already this year, or the fact that he’s addicted to downers extremely cool under pressure, so he should be able to deal with the Tiger circus if it comes down to those two.  Also, “WGC Slam”?  I don’t know about you, but I always thought putting “Slam” behind something in the sports world implied four of something.  Since there are only three WGC events, why not go for “WGC Triple Crown” or “WGC Treble”?

3.  Ceri Mobley:  Sergio Garcia.  The fiery Spaniard

Oh, I get it.  Sergio’s from Spain, so he’s “fiery,” or “has flair.”  Never mind that he’s actually very laid back (see his victory speech at The Players last year).  Nope.   Spanish = fiery.

had a solid finish at The Honda Classic, so he should be warmed up for CA, where he’s enjoyed a tie for 15th and a tie for third in the last two years.

ACTUAL ANALYSIS!!!!  It only took until the third pick.

Plus, I’d like to see that Sunday black outfit again.

Well, since there’s no cut, it doesn’t really matter how well he plays.  He’ll still be around on Sunday.  I really hope you knew that, Ceri Mobley.

Down the list, there’s nothing too silly until

6.  Mark Spoor: Phil Mickelson.  I am amazed that Lefty lasted this long. Sure, he’s had his struggles this year, but Tiger Woods didn’t exactly light it on fire in his ’09 debut.

Phil Mickelson has struggled, but since Tiger also struggled, Phil will be fine?  Does anyone else think this logic is just bad? 

Also, Tiger played pretty well a couple weeks ago.  It was that whole Tim-Clark-shooting-6-under-through-16 thing that stopped him.

Plus, like Tiger, the last time Phil played in a stroke-play event, he won.

That’s it, I’m picking Yang Yong-Eun.  Like Tiger, the last time Yang played in a stroke-play event, he won. 

7.  Helen Ross: Camilo Villegas.  Remember 2006? He’s in his element in Miami and at Doral

Get it?  There are lots of Hispanics in Miami!  AND VILLEGAS IS HISPANIC!

– and he’s a much better player than he was when he tied for second that year, one stroke behind Tiger Woods.

This is true.

10.  Brian Wacker [heh heh]: Kenny Perry.  One of the longest and most accurate drivers of the ball on TOUR, Perry’s length will be an asset at Doral. If he putts well, expect to see him in contention, the way he was in 2003 when he finished T5.

TOUR pick mad libs time!  If [top TOUR player name] putts well, expect to see him in contention this week at [name of course].

The experts also put who they would have picked if they weren’t taken earlier.  Nine out of the ten went with Tiger Woods.  Two weeks ago, all ten would have taken Tiger.  Way to go out on a limb, guys.

For fun, one sleeper:

8.  Ryan Smithson: Rory Sabbatini.  Yeah. I am surprised he’s in the field, too.  As long as Sabbatini plays like McIlroy this week, we’ll be fine.

Uhh…he’s #40 in the Official World Golf Rankings.  Do you not know the eligibility criteria?  Let me help you:

- The top 50 players, including any players tied for 50th available place, from the Official World Golf Ranking as of Monday, March 2, 2009.
- The top 50 players, including any players tied for 50th available place, from the Official World Golf Ranking as of Monday, March 9, 2009.
- The top 30 players from the final 2008 FedExCup Points List
- The top 10 players from the FedExCup Points List as of March 2, 2009
- The top 10 players from the FedExCup Points List as of March 9, 2009
- The top 20 players from the final 2008 European Tour Order of Merit
- The top 10 players from the European Tour Order of Merit as of March 2, 2009
- The top 10 players from the European Tour Order of Merit as of March 9, 2009
- The top 3 players from the final 2008 Japan Golf Tour Order of Merit
- The top 3 players from the final 2008 Australasian Tour Order of Merit
- The top 3 players from the final 2008 Sunshine Tour Order of Merit
- The top 3 players from the final 2008 Asian Tour Order of Merit

He’s also played fairly well this year, with a top 10 at Riviera and two T12s.  But it’s not like you’re paid to follow this stuff or anything now, is it?

Tiger Woods Reacts to His Loss

Even after 8 months off, he doesn’t take losing so well.

The Golf Channel Fails

This week, coverage of the first three rounds of the WGC Match Play Championship has been on The Tiger Golf Channel.  Since the tournament is played during the day, when many people are at work and unable to watch, the people at The Golf Channel are being nice enough to rebroadcast their coverage in the evening.  Now, as everyone knows, some guy was coming back from an injury this week.  The Golf Channel played this up to the point of overkill, even displaying a clock that showed the exact number of days, hours, and minutes until Tiger Woods returned to competition.  People were going to tune in just to see Tiger, and they knew it. 

Unfortunately for The Golf Channel, Tim Clark played a nearly flawless round and sent Tiger packing in the second round.  So what do they do?  During the rebroadcast, they run commercials for their show, Golf Central, where they will be discussing who can win now that Tiger has lost.  Anyone who had successfully avoided seeing the outcomes of the matches during the day just had the one result that they probably cared about the most spoiled for them.  How could anyone at The Golf Channel not see that this was a bad idea?  “Well, now our ratings for the third round are going to suck ass.  What can we do about it?  I know!  We can ruin the rebroadcast for the Tiger fans who actually wanted to see the match play out so they can turn us off and watch something else!  Now, hurry up and find out when his Thursday tee time is at Doral in two weeks so we can get that ‘Tiger Returns…TO STROKE PLAY!’ clock up.”

Then again, everyone at The Golf Channel has a massive man crush on Tiger, so they probably just figured that everyone watching the rebroadcast would watch anyway because OMG IT’S TIGER WOODS!!  PLAYING GOLF!

John Daly’s Better Days

Check out these highlights from the 95 British Open at St. Andrews.  While there were some amazing shots here, it’s Daly’s sick mullet that really stole the show.

Winter

This season, you’ve spent a few hours per week working on your game at the driving range and practice green, and it’s beginning to show.  Everything is coming together nicely and you’ve knocked a stroke or two off your handicap in the last month.  You even beat your personal record that had stood for over three years.  You’re having more fun than ever out on the course, and maybe taking a few extra bucks off of your gambleholic buddies.  And then winter comes.

For many of us, this means putting away the clubs for three months or so while our games accumulate rust.  Sure, you can go hit balls at the driving range if they have heated stalls, but it’s not the same as getting out on the course – half of the game is played on or around the green.  So, all you can do is wait.  Every now and then you’ll see that it’s supposed to get up to 46 degrees this weekend, and you’ll think about getting out for 9 holes, or even 18.  Then the weekend comes and the 46-degree weather is accompanied by rain showers, strong winds, or both.  Desperate, you go play 9 holes the next weekend when it’s 34 out – “It’s just a couple hours, how bad can it be?” you ask yourself – and find that your hands aren’t actually completely numb when you blade a wedge shot on the 5th hole.  Having learned your lesson, you wait until it warms up again.

Spring finally comes, and you excitedly head to the course for your first round of the new season.  You start off well and think you haven’t missed a beat.  Then you skull a pitch shot across the green, chunk the next one, and three putt for a triple bogey.  Your swing falls apart on the back nine, and you realize that three months of winter has undone six months of progress.    

I hate winter.

OMG! Tiger Woods is coming Back!

I’m so excited! I’m going to take Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off this week so I can see THE MAN dominate in match play. To get ready for the greatness I’m surely going to witness, I have to watch my DVD of last year’s US Open playoff. You know, the one where HE WAS ON ONE LEG and still DOMINATED those chumps? Yeah, I’m afraid if I start watching Tiger without any warmup I’ll be too overloaded by His awesomeness that I’ll be a little…premature.

The other players must be happy too, even though they’re going to be playing for second. I mean, it must’ve been tough for them when they cancelled every tournament after the US Open (remember, when TIGER WON! ON ONE LEG!!!). I keep hearing something about some Northern Trust something or other, so I guess the PGA is trying to help everyone else by letting them play in a practice tournament, but it won’t matter. Tiger is just going to show how great He is and get a perfect season started this week. That nobody, Brendan Jones, probably wishes he decided to stay in Australia this week now that he knows that Tiger is back (OMG OMG I’m going to die when he does his first fist pump!!!). I do envy Jones though. I mean, he’s going to get destroyed, but he’s also going to be front and center for the godly performance that Tiger is going to put on in his first round back! And he’s getting paid for the privilege!

Man, it’s only three more days now…I’m not sure what I’m going to do until Wednesday. Oh! I can start selling off some of my stuff so I can make the trip to Minnesota in August and see THE MAN win the PGA Championship for the Grand Slam! Oh, excuse me. I have to check the Golf Channel to see exactly how long it is until His return now.